I’ve been MIA for a little while because I’m feeling a bit defeated. I found myself looking around for anything that resembled fishing twine today. I came across some old decorations and tried to see if I could shimmy off the tinsel and use them. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t a little scared. I’m scared of what comes next. I’ve been thinking a lot about my land lately. I’m here renting this house when renting seems to be very expensive and stupid. My husband is being the positive one as always, and I’m being the Debbie Downer.

I know quitting my job was the right thing to do because of all the hurtful things that were coming from it, but that doesn’t take away the problems that come with removing the income. Yet, I think in some odd way, I’m better because of all of the emotional stuff that I encountered. A few weeks ago the counselor finally called and asked about my daughter’s self inflicted injuries. It’s still hard for me to believe that those kinds of things were going on right under my nose and I didn’t even know about it. I feel so guilty because while I was out trying to save other children, my daughter was hurting herself because she didn’t have the affection and attention she needed.

Sadly, it took the death of a child to make me see what I was missing out on. My daughter has her first event tonight, and I don’t even know if I will be able to go. I just wish God would tell me what direction should we move in. If my husband were to quit and call in his retirement we could move back to my land and build a small house and get jobs back home. I think my land is the key. Not too many people are lucky enough to own land, so not living on it seems to be disrespectful to my father and grandfather. Plus, I could plant veggies for the children. We used to grow potatoes, corn, peas, greens, and watermelons each year until he passed away.

If I am being honest, I have stayed away because I didn’t know how to see those fields without him. Another man came in and tried to buy up all the land for his cattle, but our 9 to 12 acres will never be used for anyone other than us. My grandparents purchased that land by picking potatoes and other things. I think it’s time to go home. When do you know? I’m not giving up on my boat! I could catch a lot more this baby! Have a good weekend.